Syringomyelia Has Arrived

It is an understatement to say that things have changed since October. The past month and a half have been an absolute rollercoaster. Neurologically, I have begun to deteriorate. My muscles cramp up, are weak, tingle, spasm, pain, and dizziness has overwhelmed me. I thought it might have been all in my head (no pun intended), but it turns out it wasn't, which is kind of a relief. On December 1st, Dr. Delashaw, my neurosurgeon, told me that a syrinx has developed in my spinal cord causing even more nerve damage. This is called Syringomyelia.

Over 50% of people who are diagnosed with Chiari end up suffering from Syringomyelia as well. Typically they find the two together already coexisting and they take care of it. I remember how fortunate I felt to not have a syrinx present when they found my Chiari. I thought I beat it and that it would not come. Obviously not the case. It is considered a complication from surgery. I have read up on it and a syrinx can develop after surgery as well. Yay me! No one knows exactly why it happens and how it develops, but there are theories. All I know is that my surgeon does not want to operate yet because the risks outweigh any potential benefit. So we just wait, watch, go to physical therapy, and get treated at the pain clinic. I got answers, but no real solutions. In reality though, there isn't a true solution.

Due to all of this, I have come to the decision that I need to take a leave of absence from Cornish in hopes that I get to come back once/if I get my health back in control and can exercise let alone just move again. Even though it was my "decision," I felt forced into it. I could feel my health just screaming at me to leave, but my heart saying that it is not fair that you have to leave your dream place. The place where everything is okay and the support is never ending. I question all the time why me, and I guess anyone who has to deal with how awful this is asks themselves. I hope I find an answer at some point in my life... I hope that this leave of absence doesn't turn in to a withdrawal. I hope that my limbs and spine work again fully like they used to, and that my balance comes back.

I was on the mend. I was doing so well, and I felt good after surgery. I felt myself coming back and I felt confident going back to school. Yeah I wasn't full time dancing, but I was still dancing somewhat. That is better than nothing at all. Now I am in the nothing at all state not having dance in my life, and I have never felt so lost, sad, angry, frustrated, and scared in my life. That feeling of health coming back to me was just being a tease, and I hope the "tease" comes back but stays for good next time. There better be a next time.